tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36465456051683369572024-03-13T10:31:17.340-07:00this temporary existencekaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-45475237695070707552013-01-13T11:18:00.001-08:002013-01-13T11:18:13.333-08:00new blog<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I've moved blog names :) </div>
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allow me to redirect you <a href="http://kaylaexpectschaos.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">here</a></div>
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kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-21921940499692890862012-12-19T20:14:00.001-08:002012-12-19T20:27:34.770-08:00I never planned on being pregnant. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Certainly not this time, but more importantly not ever.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Don’t get me wrong, for as long as I can remember I’ve wanted children,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">just not biologically.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">The idea of ‘being pregnant’ was never remotely appealing,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">the magic of it all was lost on me.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">To me a child has always been a child</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">and family didn't necessarily mean blood.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">This attitude was slightly bizarre but for whatever reason,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">sharing the prenatal bond with my child was never that important to me.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">My dreams involved travel, adventure, an artistic career</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">and eventually adopting a child sometime in my mid-thirties.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">But God, or Fate, or Jameson’s,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">whichever you prefer,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">had a different plan and two weeks before my 24th birthday</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">A lot flashed through my head in the moments that followed the arrival of the second pink line,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">mostly expletives that I won’t share</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">but somewhere in there I made a decision to keep this baby</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">and from that moment forward everything changed.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Many of the things that scared me about pregnancy</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">have turned out to be frighteningly accurate</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">but there have also been those fears that</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">have turned out to be exceptionally beautiful.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">And ironically, the few benefits I associated with pregnancy</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">have ended up falling short.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Allow me first to elaborate on what I call “the frighteningly accurate”<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"><br /></span><b>
o<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Hemorrhoids</b> – a very real and alarming fear,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I have actually stood butt naked with one leg propped up on the toilet,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">checking my booty in the mirror to see if the agony between my cheeks</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">was as horrifying as the results of my Google image search.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> *I've yet to confirm their existence but the discomfort is there*</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>o<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Morning sickness</b> – I've yet to miss alcohol</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">and I mostly attribute this to the 4 month long hangover</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">that welcomed me into my pregnancy journey.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">During these nausea laden months I actually got to experience</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">throwing up in a bush while biking to work,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">as well as on the side of the highway and finally into my own lap.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>o<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Hormones</b> – It’s frustrating to question everything that you feel</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">and to constantly wonder if all your emotions can</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">or should be attributed to changes in your hormones.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Some honorable mentions include:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>o<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Leaky breasts</b> – I’ll never forget that moment</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">when I realized what the “drool stains” in my bra actually were.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>o<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Food aversions</b> – A previous favorite food, French Fries,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">became a source of contention for a solid 5 months.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>o<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Exhaustion </b>–To this day, if I manage to put on mascara and a clean shirt,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> I consider the day a success.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Of the few things I declared “benefits of pregnancy”, the following have fallen short:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>o<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The Glow</b> – Although I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid stretch marks,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">and although there have been several comments on my being “adorable”</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I feel completely unattractive. All. The. Time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>o<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Registering</b> – A decided bonus of pregnancy,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I found registering daunting, time consuming, overwhelming and exhausting.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I preferred to nap and let people, who knew better than me,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">buy what they deemed appropriate and necessary.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Amazingly enough I ended up with quite the well rounded selection of loot.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Alright, enough with the negativity,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I will admit that previously the thought of something,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">other than Taco Bell,squirming inside of me, freaked me out--horrified me would even be appropriate.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">But alas, I live for those gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) kicks, jabs and nudges.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I also can’t get enough of the ultrasound photos or, in fact, any photo or video of a newborn.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Pregnancy has improved my time management skills and redirected my priorities for the better. I’m more focused and less concerned with petty bull-crap, it’s funny how huge life events can really put things into perspective.Over the last few months (I’m currently 34 weeks) I've had a handful of hysterical breakdowns,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">experienced my fair share of alarming and fascinating bodily changes and I've mourned the loss of a life I wasn't ready to part with. But as I near the end of this unexpected journey, I can honestly (and humbly) say</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">that I’m grateful to have been blessed with the experience of pregnancy, and all its frightening surprises.</span><br />
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kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-61332291608691553762012-12-07T22:54:00.002-08:002012-12-07T22:54:35.352-08:00and then Graco made me lose my mind<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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it was going really well</div>
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the whole day</div>
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I managed to shower this morning</div>
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I wasn't overly grumpy at work</div>
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and I finally got <b><i>the carseat</i></b></div>
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it's been quite the process</div>
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an ongoing debate between me, myself and I</div>
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travel system? convertible that lasts longer? infant seat without stroller?</div>
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ultimately I decided on what I knew I would all along...a travel system</div>
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it made the most sense </div>
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and it was easy on all fronts -- pushing, breaking down, putting up</div>
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the carseat/carrier doesn't weigh too much,</div>
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the stroller itself is surprisingly compact -- a pleasant surprise</div>
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and it's Graco -- </div>
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the only label I could name, if I ever found myself being asked about popular baby brands</div>
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...probably on a game show</div>
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but I digress</div>
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the set up of the stroller started out so simple and straightforward</div>
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that should have been my first clue</div>
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40 minutes later I found myself beating my forehead into one of the wheels</div>
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cursing Graco, God and anything within 3-ft of me</div>
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it's just one little screw,</div>
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the last little screw,</div>
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once it's in I've got myself an assembled travel system</div>
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but alas, the stroller is in the back bedroom, unassembled</div>
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and my thumb and pointer finger are badly bruised from trying to push this stupid pin into it's place</div>
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I managed to pull myself out of my hormonal rage long enough to focus on a new project</div>
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taking inventory of what I have and making a list of what I need</div>
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this was quickly derailed when the infamous pug darted under my bed</div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">eliciting</span> a Hulk-like anger inside me </div>
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there I was, lying on the floor beside my bed</div>
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risking rage-induced pre-term labor</div>
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and then I sneezed</div>
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blood saturated snot</div>
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(a lovely side effect of pregnancy)</div>
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all over my face </div>
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and shoulder </div>
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and sweater</div>
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...it's been quite a night</div>
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and I've decided to blame Graco</div>
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<br /></div>
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kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-55097228775196742152012-11-29T21:41:00.003-08:002012-11-29T21:49:26.825-08:00timeline of {an unexpected} tuesday<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>{10:20a}</b> the start of what should have been a regular Ob-Gyn appointment</div>
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weight gain=normal blood pressure=low belly measuring=average</div>
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<b>{10:45a}</b> doctor asks if baby has been moving normally</div>
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"I haven't felt her move since I woke up at 5a...this last week I've been having menstrual-like cramping...should I be concerned? </div>
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<b>{11:00a}</b> doctor issues non-stress test to monitor baby's heart rate and test for any signs of contractions</div>
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<b>{11:20a}</b> nurse comes in to tell me that the doctor is concerned because baby's heart rate dropped suddenly </div>
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and didn't recover for several minutes. She wants me to get an ultrasound this afternoon at 2p</div>
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<b>{simultaneously}</b></div>
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baby's heart rate drops a second time, nurse leaves room, returns several minutes later, "the doctor is going to have you admitted to Labor & Delivery so they can monitor you there, the ultrasound tech will meet you there to check the baby"</div>
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<b>{11:45a}</b> call my mom to tell her I've been admitted me into Labor & Delivery, she's on her way </div>
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<b>{12:00p}</b> they hook me up to same devices used during non-stress test, explain that they will be monitoring </div>
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me and that the ultrasound tech will be in shortly. Mom arrives at same time.</div>
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<b>{12:30p}</b> ultrasound tech shows up and shows me my beautiful baby, who now has the perfect chubby cheeks, belly and lips...she's sucking on her hands.</div>
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<b>{2:00p}</b> doctor and nurse come in to tell me that baby got 8/8 on the ultrasound and after 10 more minutes of monitoring I can go home.</div>
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<b>{2:30p}</b> nurse comes in to tell me that baby's heart rate has dropped unexpectedly again, which buys me two more hours of monitoring.</div>
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<b>{3:00p}</b> I start complaining of terrible back pain, presumably from the awkward position I've been laying in for 3 hours, mom tries to help me get comfortable to no avail. Nurse enters and says that she's contacted the doctor.</div>
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<b>{3:15p}</b> Nurse returns and says that my back pain is actually contractions, which are currently coming minutes apart...they'll be giving me an IV to help stop the contractions, as well as performing a series of tests that would indicate I've gone into pre-term labor.</div>
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<b>{3:30p}</b> Nurse blows vein out in my hand while trying to hook up IV...only important because it was painful and my hand is now visibly bruised.</div>
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<b>{5:00p}</b> All tests come back negative (woohoo) but my contractions are still coming every 2 minutes and I'm extremely cranky and uncomfortable.</div>
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<b>{7:00p}</b> On-call doctor issues a urine test to rule out UTI as possible cause of "uterine activity"</div>
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<b>{8:00p}</b> Urine test comes back clean, no signs of UTI, on-call doctor is contacted and says that he would like to come in and be "hands on" to figure out what's causing the contractions. </div>
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<b>{9:30p}</b> I haven't had a contraction in over an hour, on-call doctor still hasn't arrived, my awesome mother tells nurse that if the baby is fine, I'm fine and there's no risk of pre-term labor, we'd really like to go home because I haven't eaten and I need to sleep.</div>
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<b>{10:00p}</b> Nurse removes IV and goes over any symptoms that would warrant my return...I look down to discover that I've bled through my IV bandage and am dripping blood allover the floor. Nurse cleans me up and (finally) lets me go home.</div>
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This may not be exactly spot on as far as timing is concerned but it's close...in the end they ruled that dehydration was causing me to contract. And now I have a gray, plastic pitcher that I have to drink two of a day (filled with water only, of course). All in all Tuesday was scary and exhausting and frustrating and stressful but I'm grateful for the baby that is still in my womb (where she belongs for 8 more weeks) and for a mom that will advocate for me and I'm praying that next time I'm in Labor & Delivery baby will be full term and I'll be (at least a little) more prepared.</div>
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kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-32783449745655071192012-11-24T22:24:00.000-08:002012-11-24T22:24:02.506-08:00dear Santa<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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shooting stars...11:11...wish bones...</div>
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I'm trying it all...</div>
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but not for these...these are too simple</div>
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for such extreme measures</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2eF5K5L4LYs/ULG3kkEYpKI/AAAAAAAACQE/lRDepUblPV4/s1600/il_170x135.364423581_aqb0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2eF5K5L4LYs/ULG3kkEYpKI/AAAAAAAACQE/lRDepUblPV4/s200/il_170x135.364423581_aqb0.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
'<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/95945027/vintage-needle-work-print-iphone-4-case?ref=usr_faveitems" target="_blank">vintage needlework print iPhone case'</a></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-v5YAXokpDhU/ULG3k0JKYgI/AAAAAAAACQI/6aZFBz8P0vU/s1600/il_170x135.364509768_4o6h.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-v5YAXokpDhU/ULG3k0JKYgI/AAAAAAAACQI/6aZFBz8P0vU/s200/il_170x135.364509768_4o6h.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
'<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/106547088/15mm-light-peach-rose-resin-flower-push?ref=usr_faveitems" target="_blank">peach rose pushpins</a>'</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aei8mM9piEM/ULG3lRQy_4I/AAAAAAAACQQ/FOhJ1_29HXw/s1600/il_170x135.365942154_look.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-aei8mM9piEM/ULG3lRQy_4I/AAAAAAAACQQ/FOhJ1_29HXw/s200/il_170x135.365942154_look.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
'<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/106936587/ships-dec-3rd-pre-order-2013-mini-desk?ref=usr_faveitems" target="_blank">foxes in love desk calendar</a>'</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DhVR6o5dkMg/ULG3lsgLIaI/AAAAAAAACQY/qfH8M9z0Qxc/s1600/il_170x135.366048328_lpgj.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DhVR6o5dkMg/ULG3lsgLIaI/AAAAAAAACQY/qfH8M9z0Qxc/s200/il_170x135.366048328_lpgj.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/106966699/nine-lives-cat-pullover-cat-sweater?ref=usr_faveitems" target="_blank">'nine lives sweater</a>'</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-41Tua_i_AnQ/ULG3lxF9-RI/AAAAAAAACQg/wO1H8H2qjHQ/s1600/il_170x135.382156913_pnme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-41Tua_i_AnQ/ULG3lxF9-RI/AAAAAAAACQg/wO1H8H2qjHQ/s200/il_170x135.382156913_pnme.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
'<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/62631902/fun-popcorn-soap?ref=usr_faveitems" target="_blank">popcorn soap</a>'</div>
</div>
kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-45284793717840395432012-11-24T22:03:00.000-08:002012-11-24T22:03:36.727-08:00these days<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I2Vn3nZCQb8/ULGzoxkxUlI/AAAAAAAACPI/sT-s8sMPCAY/s1600/007.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I2Vn3nZCQb8/ULGzoxkxUlI/AAAAAAAACPI/sT-s8sMPCAY/s320/007.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
are filled with snoozing...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UNR8n8G88hE/ULGzpxH9IYI/AAAAAAAACPQ/87RSL7pLcfM/s1600/014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UNR8n8G88hE/ULGzpxH9IYI/AAAAAAAACPQ/87RSL7pLcfM/s320/014.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and growing...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DYM8ollYPxQ/ULGzrOBBuLI/AAAAAAAACPY/8cV7cyozej4/s1600/028.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DYM8ollYPxQ/ULGzrOBBuLI/AAAAAAAACPY/8cV7cyozej4/s320/028.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and renovating...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0ZzaytzNxEQ/ULGzuFZs7LI/AAAAAAAACPo/Wtm28T2_kW0/s1600/037.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0ZzaytzNxEQ/ULGzuFZs7LI/AAAAAAAACPo/Wtm28T2_kW0/s320/037.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and late night filing</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZxdDMKpOXk4/ULGzvHrjqpI/AAAAAAAACPw/ytOovZzopus/s1600/044.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZxdDMKpOXk4/ULGzvHrjqpI/AAAAAAAACPw/ytOovZzopus/s320/044.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and cravings</div>
</div>
kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-76099105492555906972012-11-17T22:58:00.000-08:002012-11-17T22:58:41.506-08:00if you want the truth<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
The truth is</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I don’t feel like I look good</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Like the pregnancy is treating me well</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Every inch of my over stretched skin is fiercely itchy</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My back aches</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My neck aches</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
My head aches</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It hurts when I sit</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It hurts when I stand</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Sleeping is a whole other issue</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Everything bothers me</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Absolutely everything</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I know it’s hormonal</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So I tell myself I’m being irrational</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And that only makes it worse</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hate lacking any control over my body</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I hate that I can’t eat more than a few bites without raging heartburn</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And I’m hungry</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
So hungry</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
There’s a foot,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Maybe two,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Lodged in my ribs</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And when I move</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
She bears down on my pelvis</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The only thing that keeps me going</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Are those gentle nudges behind my belly button</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-14514516487475966852012-11-15T20:55:00.000-08:002012-11-15T20:55:10.036-08:00ready and waiting<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
here it is,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
half baby, half momma</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
ready and waiting for her to arrive</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
...</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7HVxJ7B05Dk/UKXE6O6pWgI/AAAAAAAAB7A/sgCjJugLGIw/s1600/095.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7HVxJ7B05Dk/UKXE6O6pWgI/AAAAAAAAB7A/sgCjJugLGIw/s320/095.JPG" width="214" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br />
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<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jR-slvxqSi4/UKXFW_ivecI/AAAAAAAAB74/dNyewvla_DA/s1600/107.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jR-slvxqSi4/UKXFW_ivecI/AAAAAAAAB74/dNyewvla_DA/s320/107.JPG" width="214" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wFd2PyksGNk/UKXFbXlMyGI/AAAAAAAAB8A/hQxWG6BDZvA/s1600/108.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wFd2PyksGNk/UKXFbXlMyGI/AAAAAAAAB8A/hQxWG6BDZvA/s320/108.JPG" width="214" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7wMQpw4Zhmw/UKXFgFOkcwI/AAAAAAAAB8I/KJpDR8dxSm8/s1600/110.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7wMQpw4Zhmw/UKXFgFOkcwI/AAAAAAAAB8I/KJpDR8dxSm8/s320/110.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NNLlKILyWy4/UKXFkmUcd6I/AAAAAAAAB8Q/mFzIA3BzBWw/s1600/111.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NNLlKILyWy4/UKXFkmUcd6I/AAAAAAAAB8Q/mFzIA3BzBWw/s320/111.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UcIzbSnDsZo/UKXFpFUi07I/AAAAAAAAB8Y/lfrEEW_4Pb0/s1600/113.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-UcIzbSnDsZo/UKXFpFUi07I/AAAAAAAAB8Y/lfrEEW_4Pb0/s320/113.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B-lnZpoBraw/UKXFt70vftI/AAAAAAAAB8g/OlLRq4giU_0/s1600/115.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B-lnZpoBraw/UKXFt70vftI/AAAAAAAAB8g/OlLRq4giU_0/s320/115.JPG" width="214" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-83502401648625659042012-11-15T20:39:00.003-08:002012-11-15T20:39:50.551-08:00operation baby book<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
short & sweet,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
very, very sweet</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
{before}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5ZGmfue4Rww/UKXDFh4dazI/AAAAAAAAB6w/HNF-9RleEK0/s1600/090.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5ZGmfue4Rww/UKXDFh4dazI/AAAAAAAAB6w/HNF-9RleEK0/s320/090.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
{after}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sHJ8ETgROcU/UKXDJM7ClFI/AAAAAAAAB64/ZfXzHTIFR3s/s1600/092.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sHJ8ETgROcU/UKXDJM7ClFI/AAAAAAAAB64/ZfXzHTIFR3s/s320/092.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
once the inside is done,</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I promise I'll share those pages too.</div>
</div>
kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-14388113653609401242012-11-15T20:34:00.002-08:002012-11-15T20:34:29.797-08:00Showered with love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
it was spectacular,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
they went above and beyond and I'm so grateful. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
The support and love in that room was overwhelming</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
there have been ups and downs </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I'm sure there will be more</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but this was an up</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
an up to remember when there's a down</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RpxX8vvRI18/UKXAy258tsI/AAAAAAAAB5A/nXkpeKv6LuM/s1600/042.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RpxX8vvRI18/UKXAy258tsI/AAAAAAAAB5A/nXkpeKv6LuM/s320/042.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6ayZglErt3o/UKXA5l-K9BI/AAAAAAAAB5Q/4MJQ8JZPKIM/s1600/046.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6ayZglErt3o/UKXA5l-K9BI/AAAAAAAAB5Q/4MJQ8JZPKIM/s320/046.JPG" width="214" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
{momma + daughter}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8Z-JpJ70Vy0/UKXA8s7aSuI/AAAAAAAAB5Y/KarRzfRJVQA/s1600/047.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8Z-JpJ70Vy0/UKXA8s7aSuI/AAAAAAAAB5Y/KarRzfRJVQA/s320/047.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
{shana - aka my boss, friend, party planner}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yWpsSmRe4HE/UKXBA-q5n9I/AAAAAAAAB5g/IN7UWTnpI_s/s1600/050.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yWpsSmRe4HE/UKXBA-q5n9I/AAAAAAAAB5g/IN7UWTnpI_s/s320/050.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HOFw8I_bexU/UKXBE8u6W1I/AAAAAAAAB5o/Nh53jJiyklQ/s1600/051.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HOFw8I_bexU/UKXBE8u6W1I/AAAAAAAAB5o/Nh53jJiyklQ/s320/051.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
{crazy, elaborate, delicious treats}</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vViAeD00X_4/UKXBJAeWg6I/AAAAAAAAB5w/-gG5dt23YvY/s1600/055.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vViAeD00X_4/UKXBJAeWg6I/AAAAAAAAB5w/-gG5dt23YvY/s320/055.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qCaMPIPMETE/UKXBR5Q2upI/AAAAAAAAB6A/3WHUlC8pPFI/s1600/058.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qCaMPIPMETE/UKXBR5Q2upI/AAAAAAAAB6A/3WHUlC8pPFI/s320/058.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NPnnGa9qaCk/UKXBV5Lq3JI/AAAAAAAAB6E/xL8_Pv7amYo/s1600/063.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NPnnGa9qaCk/UKXBV5Lq3JI/AAAAAAAAB6E/xL8_Pv7amYo/s320/063.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
{handmade baby blanket coordinated to the nursery}</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--g_NdIQVfAc/UKXBaF9JdyI/AAAAAAAAB6M/6Qy1abe8D9g/s1600/071.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--g_NdIQVfAc/UKXBaF9JdyI/AAAAAAAAB6M/6Qy1abe8D9g/s320/071.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8OJp8jjmcvk/UKXBedCm-XI/AAAAAAAAB6U/OE8jgxlut4A/s1600/079.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8OJp8jjmcvk/UKXBedCm-XI/AAAAAAAAB6U/OE8jgxlut4A/s320/079.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LrpucqaSyVM/UKXBibyGmNI/AAAAAAAAB6c/23xiiorJCXY/s1600/084.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LrpucqaSyVM/UKXBibyGmNI/AAAAAAAAB6c/23xiiorJCXY/s320/084.JPG" width="214" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
{post shower girlfriend date}</div>
</div>
kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-83371888109220497092012-11-12T09:38:00.003-08:002012-11-12T09:39:35.037-08:00home, sweet home<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
this time of year the air has the special aroma that is distinctly "home"<br />
it always hits me like a ton of bricks.<br />
this morning as I was letting Zoey do her morning business,<br />
I stood huddled in the door frame, with groggy eyes,<br />
shivering to keep warm<br />
and there it was. clean, fragrant, cold November air.<br />
I can hardly describe it, let alone do it adequate justice<br />
but its fantastic and familiar<br />
and makes me grateful to be here in this place,<br />
at this time, smelling the air. </div>
kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-43992557759871812552012-11-09T23:17:00.003-08:002012-11-09T23:18:04.720-08:008.11.12<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
{5:58p}<br />
the journey has begun,<br />
not as smoothly as I had hoped, as I had planned.<br />
But as smoothly as expected.<br />
The scenery is beautiful.<br />
With that perfect sunlight [you know the kind]<br />
that pours through windows and turns everything it touches into magic.<br />
We took a taxi to the train station.<br />
A detour saw us boarding a bus that took us to another train station, to reconnect.<br />
We arrived twenty minutes prior to departure,<br />
just enough time for chaos to turn to crisis before coming full circle for a brilliant finale.<br />
That final embrace was rushed, too rushed for tears, which was perhaps for the best,<br />
but I had planned on something more lingering.<br />
Best laid plans…could be the name of this entire journey.<br />
The last train was bigger, unfamiliar.<br />
Sweating, stumbling, struggling,<br />
I made it to a seat, my seat, at last…<br />
I arrive just in time, to miss my connection.<br />
4Euro – that was the cost of my connection ticket<br />
Thirty minutes and several attempts at broken Deutsch later<br />
I found myself in the nicest hotel I’d ever stayed in.<br />
Perhaps it was my aching limbs<br />
coupled with the anxiety coursing through my veins,<br />
but I still believe it was a very nice hotel.<br />
The bedding was all white, an aesthetic I’m particularly fond of<br />
There was German television, an oversized bath and room service<br />
Glorious, overpriced room service that didn’t taste nearly as good as I had planned<br />
The next morning, afternoon and night was a blur.<br />
Passport?<br />
How long have you been here?<br />
Do you have a visa?<br />
Next<br />
Frankfurt --> Detroit --> Seattle<br />
9a German time --> 8p Detroit time --> 12a Seattle time<br />
Bag check, security, boarding, flight,<br />
baggage claim, customs, bag check, security, boarding, flight,<br />
ginger ale mit ice bitte…breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, taco bell, sandwich, yuck - throwaway sandwich, snack, ginger ale mit—errr, with ice please, excuse me I have to use the restroom, I hate to bother you again but I’m pregnant and…zzzzzzzzzz<br />
home, sweet, home – I can see it there in the corner<br />
carry on in hand, hurry, hurry, feet on ground, faster, faster<br />
hear name<br />
no it can’t be<br />
it is, it absolutely is.<br />
<div>
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</div>
kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-45073829156890828252012-11-06T22:41:00.001-08:002012-11-06T22:41:51.437-08:00back, again<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I’ve been contemplating sharing the realities of my pregnancy via blogging since I first found out. I’ve jotted down ideas, kept a journal of what I’ve been feeling and stared at my untouched blog for hours. Friends have consistently encouraged me to share my thoughts and feelings, but still it hasn’t happened, until now. Bear with me as I post a backlog of things I’ve already written. Some of which could be as much as 5 months old. I left Germany at 16 weeks and now I’m 28 weeks…there’s been a lot of emotion and challenges and a couple (just two) meltdowns. Friends, be prepared, there will be many times that I may be too real, too gross, and too graphic but writing has always proved to be therapeutic and that requires unapologetic honesty, on my part. Bear with me, please. </div>
kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-54800031541170532502012-08-10T16:39:00.001-07:002012-10-17T20:51:23.419-07:00{god grant me this}<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I’m ready.<br />
So<br />
Very<br />
Ready.<br />
Bags are packed, tickets bought, hotel booked. There’s a plan in place that may or may not work out but I’m praying and wishing and hoping<br />
and putting more weight than I should into the universe pulling through for me.<br />
Please, please, please universe – I plead pathetically<br />
Three options<br />
{three whole options}<br />
And I just need one<br />
One - to pull through for me<br />
Just one<br />
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kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-50935865337961622072012-08-03T14:10:00.000-07:002012-08-03T14:10:00.102-07:00{post 2}<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
There’s a plan, a faint inkling of one, but a plan nonetheless.<br />
And it’s getting closer to fruition every day.<br />
These last few weeks have been an exercise in patience,<br />
an area where I admittedly need work.<br />
But I’m almost there,<br />
it’s almost here<br />
The excitement and nerves have started,<br />
As have the fanatical list-making and over planning.<br />
The thought of seeing my parents and my pug makes me tear up. <br />
And I’m absolutely over the moon excited for the silliest things<br />
Like grocery shopping at Central Market and Trader Joe’s<br />
and buying dairy free cream cheese and brown rice cakes and edamame<br />
I cannot wait to take my dog for long walks along the bay,<br />
And to bike to the bakery for maple bars and chai tea lattes<br />
To wax my eyebrows, and eat mom’s cooking and grab Mexican food with my girlfriends<br />
It’s funny what you miss when you’re gone for awhile.<br />
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</div>kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-13707995116653370952012-08-02T13:51:00.000-07:002012-08-02T13:51:00.109-07:00{post 1}<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
There it was, plain as day, leaving no room for second guessing or even outright denial. Two pink lines, filled with life and all that that implies. My immediate reaction was disbelief, followed by panic and (admittedly) a long string of expletives. I wish that I had a different story for you. That I could tell you that this was planned, expected, hoped for. I wish that I could tell you that I was overcome with joy and immediately filled with a greater purpose in life. But, in reality, I spent the next 10 minutes jumping up and down chanting “get out, get out”, as if I were performing an exorcism.<br />
Ten days later, sitting in stirrups in the office of a German gynecologist, I saw a life growing within me. A small life, the size of a blueberry with a faint but visible heartbeat, and that changed everything. <br />
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</div>kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3646545605168336957.post-71934887478392895622012-08-01T13:31:00.000-07:002012-08-01T13:33:50.170-07:00starting over<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
same dreams but everything else is new.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
life moves forward unexpectedly at times</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and move with it, we must.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
this wasn't part of the plan,<br />
at least not now,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
at least not this way. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
But God,<br />
or fate,<br />
has a way of stepping in when we most need to be saved</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and suddenly everything changes...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and there's magic in that.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel myself again for the first time in months.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've withdrawn back into the caverns of my soul,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
where I belong,<br />
where I'm needed to linger, to meditate, to reevaluate</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it feels good to be back</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and terrifying,<br />
at the same time</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but that's for the best</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Fear is an incredibly powerful motivator.</div>
</div>kaylahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17724374094893237117noreply@blogger.com0