if you want the truth

The truth is

I don’t feel like I look good

Like the pregnancy is treating me well

Every inch of my over stretched skin is fiercely itchy

My back aches

My neck aches

 My head aches

It hurts when I sit

It hurts when I stand

Sleeping is a whole other issue

Everything bothers me

Absolutely everything

And I know it’s hormonal

So I tell myself I’m being irrational

And that only makes it worse

I hate lacking any control over my body

I hate that I can’t eat more than a few bites without raging heartburn

And I’m hungry

So hungry

There’s a foot,

Maybe two,

Lodged in my ribs

And when I move

She bears down on my pelvis

The only thing that keeps me going

Are those gentle nudges behind my belly button

ready and waiting

here it is,

half baby, half momma

ready and waiting for her to arrive

...

operation baby book

short & sweet,

very, very sweet

...

{before}

 {after}

once the inside is done,

I promise I'll share those pages too.

Showered with love

it was spectacular,

they went above and beyond and I'm so grateful. 

The support and love in that room was overwhelming

there have been ups and downs 

and I'm sure there will be more

but this was an up

an up to remember when there's a down

 {momma + daughter}

 {shana - aka my boss, friend, party planner}

 {crazy, elaborate, delicious treats}

 {handmade baby blanket coordinated to the nursery}

{post shower girlfriend date}

home, sweet home

this time of year the air has the special aroma that is distinctly "home"
it always hits me like a ton of bricks.
this morning as I was letting Zoey do her morning business,
I stood huddled in the door frame, with groggy eyes,
shivering to keep warm
and there it was. clean, fragrant, cold November air.
I can hardly describe it, let alone do it adequate justice
but its fantastic and familiar
and makes me grateful to be here in this place,
at this time, smelling the air. 

8.11.12

{5:58p}
 the journey has begun,
not as smoothly as I had hoped, as I had planned.
But as smoothly as expected.
The scenery is beautiful.
With that perfect sunlight [you know the kind]
 that pours through windows and turns everything it touches into magic.
We took a taxi to the train station.
A detour saw us boarding a bus that took us to another train station, to reconnect.
We arrived twenty minutes prior to departure,
just enough time for chaos to turn to crisis before coming full circle for a brilliant finale.
That final embrace was rushed, too rushed for tears, which was perhaps for the best,
but I had planned on something more lingering.
Best laid plans…could be the name of this entire journey.
The last train was bigger, unfamiliar.
Sweating, stumbling, struggling,
I made it to a seat, my seat, at last…
I arrive just in time, to miss my connection.
4Euro – that was the cost of my connection ticket
Thirty minutes and several attempts at broken Deutsch later
I found myself in the nicest hotel I’d ever stayed in.
Perhaps it was my aching limbs
coupled with the anxiety coursing through my veins,
but I still believe it was a very nice hotel.
The bedding was all white, an aesthetic I’m particularly fond of
There was German television, an oversized bath and room service
Glorious, overpriced room service that didn’t taste nearly as good as I had planned
The next morning, afternoon and night was a blur.
Passport?
How long have you been here?
Do you have a visa?
Next
Frankfurt --> Detroit --> Seattle
9a German time --> 8p Detroit time --> 12a Seattle time
Bag check, security, boarding, flight,
baggage claim, customs, bag check, security, boarding, flight,
ginger ale mit ice bitte…breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, taco bell, sandwich, yuck - throwaway sandwich, snack, ginger ale mit—errr, with ice please, excuse me I have to use the restroom, I hate to bother you again but I’m pregnant and…zzzzzzzzzz
home, sweet, home – I can see it there in the corner
carry on in hand, hurry, hurry, feet on ground, faster, faster
hear name
no it can’t be
it is, it absolutely is.

back, again

I’ve been contemplating sharing the realities of my pregnancy via blogging since I first found out. I’ve jotted down ideas, kept a journal of what I’ve been feeling and stared at my untouched blog for hours.  Friends have consistently encouraged me to share my thoughts and feelings, but still it hasn’t happened, until now. Bear with me as I post a backlog of things I’ve already written. Some of which could be as much as 5 months old. I left Germany at 16 weeks and now I’m 28 weeks…there’s been a lot of emotion and challenges and a couple (just two) meltdowns. Friends, be prepared, there will be many times that I may be too real, too gross, and too graphic but writing has always proved to be therapeutic and that requires unapologetic honesty, on my part. Bear with me, please.