Friday, August 10, 2012

{god grant me this}

I’m ready.
Bags are packed, tickets bought, hotel booked. There’s a plan in place that may or may not work out but I’m praying and wishing and hoping
and putting more weight than I should into the universe pulling through for me.
Please, please, please universe – I plead pathetically
Three options
 {three whole options}
And I just need one
One - to pull through for me
Just one

Friday, August 3, 2012

{post 2}

There’s a plan, a faint inkling of one, but a plan nonetheless.
And it’s getting closer to fruition every day.
These last few weeks have been an exercise in patience,
an area where I admittedly need work.
But I’m almost there,
it’s almost here
The excitement and nerves have started,
As have the fanatical list-making and over planning.
The thought of seeing my parents and my pug makes me tear up.
And I’m absolutely over the moon excited for the silliest things
Like grocery shopping at Central Market and Trader Joe’s
 and buying dairy free cream cheese and brown rice cakes and edamame
I cannot wait to take my dog for long walks along the bay,
And to bike to the bakery for maple bars and chai tea lattes
To wax my eyebrows, and eat mom’s cooking and grab Mexican food with my girlfriends
It’s funny what you miss when you’re gone for awhile.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

{post 1}

There it was, plain as day, leaving no room for second guessing or even outright denial. Two pink lines, filled with life and all that that implies. My immediate reaction was disbelief, followed by panic and (admittedly) a long string of expletives. I wish that I had a different story for you. That I could tell you that this was planned, expected, hoped for. I wish that I could tell you that I was overcome with joy and immediately filled with a greater purpose in life. But, in reality, I spent the next 10 minutes jumping up and down chanting “get out, get out”, as if I were performing an exorcism.
Ten days later, sitting in stirrups in the office of a German gynecologist, I saw a life growing within me. A small life, the size of a blueberry with a faint but visible heartbeat, and that changed everything.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

starting over

same dreams but everything else is new.
life moves forward unexpectedly at times
and move with it, we must.
this wasn't part of the plan,
at least not now,
at least not this way. 
But God,
or fate,
has a way of stepping in when we most need to be saved
and suddenly everything changes...
and there's magic in that.
I feel myself again for the first time in months.
I've withdrawn back into the caverns of my soul,
where I belong,
where I'm needed to linger, to meditate, to reevaluate
it feels good to be back
and terrifying,
at the same time
but that's for the best
Fear is an incredibly powerful motivator.